I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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