I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
