I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
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