Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
