Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
