Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
