I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
