Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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