i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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