I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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