Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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