i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
