I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
