so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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