Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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