I think I won the penis lottery.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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