when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
