First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
