According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
