how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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