I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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