where am i from again
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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