I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
