dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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