I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
