Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
