I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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