Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
