Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
