Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
