fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
