Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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