I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
