there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
