cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
