I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
