the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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