Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
