Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
