dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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