peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
