I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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