You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
