she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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