Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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