You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
