Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
