it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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