News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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