Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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